Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
