Banned from zoo.
Again?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
