Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
