I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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