My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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