No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
