I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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