does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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