good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
