she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Randomize
