Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
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