I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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