I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
