I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Randomize
