the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
