I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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