Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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