Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
