when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
