She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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