i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
