well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
