How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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