Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
