im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
