I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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