i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
