yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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