NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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