after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
