Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
