Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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