I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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