zippers are such a cool invention
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
