Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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