I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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