Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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