Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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