I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
