Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
