Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
