Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
