You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
