and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize