Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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