I'm jealous of your bromance
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
