that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
