have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
