I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
