My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
