I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
