When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
