My balls are so social today.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
