im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
