After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
