Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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