the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
