I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It's shark week go big or go home
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
