Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
