When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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