You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
His nipple licking is glorious
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