Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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