if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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